Monday, December 22, 2008

Changes, Soul-Searching, & Compromise


Hello, everyone! Welcome! C’mon in and get comfy. Don’t mind the mess…our cleaning lady had a bit of an accident so she’s been off for about a month. We’re picking up the slack, but not as well as she does! I *did* manage to do the dishes, so if you wander into the kitchen for a snack, there is nothing in the sink. Also, I made sure to stock the fridge, so feel free to grab a bite. Stay as long as you like. As I said, I did some cleaning so you’re welcome to wander ALL around the place. Oh - and feel free to turn off the music so you can read in peace. Or, if you're an 80s fan like me, turn it up!


The Husband and I are from different backgrounds…really different backgrounds. I grew up in the northeast – in the suburbs of New York City. We spent many weekends in the city walking around and gaining “culture!” My parents grew up in the city so there was always someplace to go. We spent a tremendous amount of time in the museums – there are so many! We made trips to the zoos (both Central Park and Bronx), the aquarium, the parks…you name it, we probably went there. We would even walk around Wall Street as Dad pointed out various buildings and Mom noted some of the architecture. We went to the philharmonic, the ballet, the opera, and, occasionally, the theater. Although I didn’t live in New York City, I was comfortable there – and I still am. Our children love to visit and explore the city (although we don’t go nearly often enough!).

The Husband is a Midwestern country boy. He grew up in the middle of a very small town and spent most of his time with his grandparents on their farm. His weekends were filled with corn and hay bales and the like. The farthest he went from home prior to graduating high school was the next state over for a baseball tournament when he was eleven or twelve. Just like his grandfather was, The Husband is a hard worker and loves the land. He wanted to go into farming but his grandfather was adamantly against it, saying it was far too risky a livelihood. Pap’s “main job” was working at the coal mines. Farming was something he did on the side. Our children love to visit their Grandma, who lives in that same small town in which The Husband’s grandparents lived. We own farm land there and the kids love to explore the land. Again, we don’t get the opportunity to visit enough.

The Husband and I met twenty years ago. We dated six and a half years before we were married. For the better part of the last twenty years, we have done things my way. Every compromise that had to be made was made more by The Husband than by me. Despite my leaving my “comfort zone” to follow his career path, I have made sure we have always done everything possible my way; we have always lived in the suburbs – in neighborhoods. We have always lived close to whatever I deem convenient. We’ve never lived more than 5 miles from a major grocery chain! We’ve never had much land around our home – our houses have always been on small lots in planned developments. Every major purchase we’ve made has had my influence…including The Husband’s vehicles! (I know – this makes me sound like a major bitch, but it really isn’t like that! I swear!)

We have both changed so much in the years we’ve been together. A lot of it has been good – he has grown up tremendously. He calls my changes more of an evolution than growing process. I can see that too. But back to The Husband. A lot of the changes have been “to” him, and not all of them have been for the good. Slowly, but surely, with each decision I’ve controlled, I have managed to chip away bits and pieces of him. I have managed to tear him down and break him in ways I never intended. If he didn’t love me so much, I’m sure he’d have left me years ago.

I have never put much thought into why we always do things my way, but yesterday was a day of serious soul-searching. Yesterday we had a LONG talk. A lot of tears were shed…by both of us…as we unraveled all that is our life (and I mean “life” singular because I’m referring to the life we share). My fear is what has driven us in this direction.

While I would never consider myself a “Daddy’s girl,” my father’s approval and opinion mean a lot to me. I cannot remember specifics, but I know he has said, “I’m proud of you!” to me. It has not happened often, but I could not truthfully tell you he has never said it. That being said, I have always been aware of him and what he *might* be thinking of what I do. One of the reasons it took The Husband and I so long to marry was because of my dad. He did not like The Husband. I know he believed I could “do better” but he was wrong, and I believe that he now sees that. Regardless, with such a rocky start to my relationship with The Husband, I am still always seeking that approval from my dad. I am in constant fear of doing things to disappoint him; of doing “the wrong thing;” or of his looking down on me in a disapproving manner.

The Husband has been championing for me for half of my life. He has never “disapproved” of the things I have done with my life. He has ALWAYS been in my corner, cheering for me. I’m not saying my dad has not been there too…but I am saying The Husband has never judged me the way a father would a daughter. It is time for me to leave my comfort zone. As I said, The Husband and I have lived the past 13 ½ years my way and it is time for me to make some compromises. It is time for me to stop worrying about what my parents will think and, in so doing, inadvertently tearing down The Husband.

We will be making some changes in the future. Some will be bigger than others and some will come sooner than others. We are incredibly fortunate and need to revel in that. It is time to count our blessings and make the changes necessary to heal ourselves. Sadly, it has taken me forty years to grow up and live my own life. I hope it does not take our daughter that long.


67 comments:

  1. What a heart wrenching post. I love that you have come to this decision & are putting your marriage first. Bravo for you!
    We look forward to seeing the changes that are about to occur in your life & embrace them with your whole heart. Bloom where you are planted. What a great example you are for your children.
    Hugs from SC.

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  2. Wow... really... this was amazing! You are amazing. You are discovering and fixing something that has torn apart MANY marriages... mine included. Isn't it amazing how much our parents "follow" us throughout our lives...

    I'm looking forward to you sharing the changes that come...

    If he knew all this - your Dad would be even more proud of you.

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  3. Very cool, I am excited for you!!

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  4. Well written. I spent most of my adult life in counseling trying to reduce my mother to a more proportionate size.

    Your daughter will follow your example. My own children never saw a "decent" man being a co-parent until I married David ... against my parents' better judgment.

    The changes are going to be tough but once you've made the decision to implement the changes your "flashback" behavior will be less frequently.

    Here's to a happy and mentally healthy new year!

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  5. Wow...this is my first visit to your blog...and I read this post...and I instantly recognized myself.

    Same backgrounds (Washington DC/Bates City, MO) city girl/farm boy...and all decisions/compromises were made to make ME happy...but when you said the changes that had been made TO your husband...pieces chipping away...and that if he hadn't really loved you...

    I'll be back to follow your changes...and maybe share some of mine...it's a good time for a New Year's Resolution.

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  6. growing is painful but you have a wonderful husband and you will get through it together

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  7. This is beautiful, touching, amazing. It is startling and painful to see yourself that way - to realize you have been a little bit selfish I guess. I hope that whatever changes you have planned go well for you guys!

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  8. I'm really impressed that not only did you have this soul searching moment shared with your husband but that you were willing to admit your wrong and share it online. You go, girl. True growth.

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  9. What a powerful post. I agree, the 'leaving' is so important before the 'cleaving'. All the best to you as you find a new way.

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  10. I guess we all have to live our own life and grow from life experience. It's hard. life never gets easier.

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  11. Visiting from SITS. I wish you all the best as you & The Husband travel down your new path together ! Amazing Post !!

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  12. I am really excited for you and even though we have never met I am proud of you for being honest with yourself and doing what it takes to be there for your husband as he has been there for you.

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  13. Wow. What an truly soul-searching, honest, post. It took me two divorces to figure out I couldn't always have my own way, and even now I know that Bill gives in far more often than I do. You are a truly amazing woman and your husband is strong and fortunate man.

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  14. Marriage is definitely all about compromise. Best wishes to you on your journey!

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  15. This is the most honest post I've read in a long time.

    I hope things work out well (for both of you).

    I appreciate the insight as one who is still pretty new to this whole marriage thing (just shy of 5 years).

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  16. Visiting from SITS - have you and your husband seen the movie Fireproof? You should check it out. It's amazing! I pray the best for you - it's really hard to pull a "country" person from their roots, believe me I know! I'm from a town of 521 people, I married a military man, and I can't stand to be stuck in the city! He however, loves to live near people...he is somewhat of a social butterfly. I prefer to stick to well the sticks, nature, and God. Compromise is not always easy and we all learn things the hard way. Good luck and many prayers!
    Tonya

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  17. It is so difficult to step outside of your comfort zone! It's great that you and your husband are going to make some changes to your life. I look forward to hearing what those changes will be!

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  18. Wow. I love your honesty. It takes a lot to say the things you did.

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  19. Congrats on being the FB on SITS today!

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  20. It is always hard when stepping out of our comfort zone!

    Good luck to you!

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  21. Growing pains are both horrific and healing, yes? It's a wise woman that can recognize and make the changes necessary. Kudos to you.

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  22. Your honesty is refreshing. Good luck with everything!

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  23. Marriage is not as easy as we think it will be, is it? We bring so many other things into it.

    I can relate very much to your post. I, too, value my dad's approval. Thankfully, he's always approved of my husband, but I do find myself caring more about other's opinions and discounting the one that really matters - my own husband.

    Thank you for sharing this. It's really helpful.

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  24. Wow, what an honest and amazing post. I hope the changes bring you and your husband closer together.

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  25. Wow! What an honest post! Kudos to you and good luck!

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  26. Urg, this post struck a little too close to home.

    Always worrying about what my parents will say (even though I'm 41), check.

    Doing more "pushing for compromising" as opposed to actual compromise, check.

    Enjoy your SITS day & thanks for your honesty

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  27. I'm 30 and I'm still working on things that I hope my son will learn early.

    I truly admire your strength and the commitment to making your marriage and life the best it can be.

    (On a side, completely unrelated note, my Hubby and I are from two different places too. He grew up in a NJ suburb with a view of NY, I grew up in a Boston neigborhood just minutes from downtown.)

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  28. I so admire your honesty and your determination to reenergize your marriage. That takes courage. Good luck! Keep us posted.

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  29. Visiting from SITS! I think it is great that you were able to talk to your hubby about this and recognize areas of change. So many couples for whatever reason can't! Good Luck!

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  30. What a wonderful, though provoking post- I have to say you are more than half way there with your willingness. Best of luck to you, I'm sure you'll set a wonderful example for your daughter.
    I am adding you to my blog list so I can see how you do, I've really been enjoying your blog and writing style.

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  31. What a touching post. May you be blessed on the newest part of your journey together.

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  32. Kudos to you for being so open and honest online. Here's hoping that the new journey is the best ever. Happy SITS to you!

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  33. Hey there - I'm proud of you and we don't even know each other! That is tough and honest stuff. And your daughter? Lucky girl. Good luck to y'all.

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  34. Good for you. It sounds like you've got a really good man there. Compromises are a healthy part of any relationship, as long as both parties are willing to give a little. It's good to recognize things one needs to change but the tough part is actually "changing." Good luck in that endeavor. You seem like you are on the right track. :)

    PS - Any chance of getting rid of the word verification? I did it on my blog and have not received on spam comment afterwards.

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  35. You know, there are so many times when I'm around my parents I still feel like a child. I have to remind myself that I'm 35 years old with a family of my own. Great post!

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  36. it takes courage and fortitude to realize when you are wrong and change it!! good for you!! so proud of you and i don't even know you!!! congrats n being SITS FB!!! be blessed!!

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  37. Thank you. I appreciate this so much. It's so honest, and touching.

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  38. Thank you for sharing this post. I hope you and your family work everything out.

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  39. What a moving post. Your husband sounds like a sweetie, good luck with the changes you intend to make. I'm sure everything will work out, you have such a great attitude about it.

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  40. Wow, sounds like an intense conversation. It's great that you can communicate with your husband like this!

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  41. Thanks for your transparency. It is hard to see our own faults and difficult when they come to light. We see how we have harmed others. I admire your willingness to face this issue, take responsibility for your actions and make the necessary changes. Your marriage will be blessed because of it.

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  42. Visiting from SITS and all I can say is WOW!! This post really hit close to home!

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  43. What a wonderful post.

    For what it's worth, you have my admiration.

    My husband and I also come from different backgrounds. The biggest difference is that he's from theUnited States and I'm from New Zealand. :-)

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  44. Proof that learning never stops...

    :)

    Your daughter is watching you... and learning as well.

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  45. Wow! I think a lot of people tend to fall back on their comfort zones without realizing that their marriage was meant to be a compromise. It's a good thing to be reminded of this from time to time.

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  46. I can relate so much to this post. Not the why so much. But then again, I am not so sure why I am a my way or the highway type person.

    Good for you all for putting it all out on the table. And thanks for sharing.

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  47. Kudos to you for facing the uncomfortable. Many people carry on their whole lives and don't do what is necessary and healthy.

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  48. Fantastic post!

    Marriage does take a lot of hard work and it also takes a lot of compromise- on both sides. BUT I wouldn't have it any other way. I've made some major compromises along the way- very much out of my original comfort zone- and I think and I hope I'm a better person for it. Sometimes change can be a very good thing indeed. Good luck!

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  49. Crap... I'm crying...

    I fear my sons will want and marry strong women like me... and that scares the crap out of me.

    I so know where you are coming from, and being a mother of only sons... I have to be very careful of how I treat my husband and talk to him, because I have 6 eyes watching me.

    Brava for that post... I so feel you. I have done the same thing.

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  50. Wow - this post was very touching. It has made me think about myself and my relationship with father vs husband.

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  51. That's truely amazing. I really hope that you stepping out of your comfort zone builds you a brighter relationship with your hubby. Not that it's bad, but change is good.

    Amen. I honestly hope the best for you.

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  52. What a wonderful post! Best of luck to you and your husband as you make the changes needed for your relationship! I'm sure your dad would be proud of you taking care of your marriage in this way!

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  53. Geez! That was like being in group. Raw. Awesome.

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  54. Hi, I'm stopping by from SITS and I have to tell you I am so touched by your honesty. I admire your courage to not just sweep the issue under the rug and keep going as though nothing is wrong.

    In a day and age where people change spouses as easily as they change shoes - a strong, long lasting marriage is truly an accomplishment.

    More power to you both as you work through this.

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  55. Hi...I am new to your blog... I cam over fromSITS... wow..what an amazingly written and heart wrenching blog.... I am so impressed to see how you have admitted to your downfalls and are so willing to make changes....And how lucky you are to have such an amazing husband....
    I look forward to checking in on you again....

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  56. What a HUGE revelation! In your previous post, I learned that you are a strong mother. Now we've learned that you're a loving wife as well.

    - a SITSta

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  57. I have to say: Good for you!
    Good for you for realizing what needs work in the relationship and deciding to make a change.
    So many people live in a stagnant relationship. I commend you for it! And for sharing your story so publicly, hopefully someone will read this and realize they need to do that same.
    I hope that it doesn't take me that long to stop seeking my moms approval (i just turned 28)

    Changes aren't always bad, imagine all the new things you'll experience, new people, new places... think adventure! :-)

    GO YOU!! :-)

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  58. Wow - I just realized that what you write about between you and your father is the relationship between me and my mother. My husband is always questioning why I never think the house is clean enough or when I do a project it's not done well enough - and it's because I always think my mom will come in and critique it.

    Holy crap - thanks.

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  59. Wow, this was so honest! You've taken an important first step: realizing the problem and committing to change what you can. (Well, maybe that's two steps!)

    I have a similar relationship with my father. When my dad's and my husband's wishes were at odds over a major life decision for me, I chose my husband and drew a boundary line with my father. Now I am so glad I did that, because my relationship with my husband is so much better, and my dad realizes that I did the right thing, too.

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  60. Oh my stars. Thank you so much for sharing this post. I relate, entirely, where you were at when you typed this post. It seems like I keep coming back to this same moment of realizing I've torn my poor husband down...and then go back to supporting him and his passions/desires/ideas. Thank goodness he loves me through it.

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  61. Oh, so honest and raw. I do hope that you're both happy together and find a solid path that works for both of you. It's hard to turn two separate people into a single life. Good luck!

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  62. Wow, it takes a lot to examine your relationship and your missteps, then take the steps necessary to fix it. Good luck to you both, I'm sure you'll get through it.

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  63. What strength. It is always so hard to first recognize, admit, and then change. It sounds like your dh is an amazing man that can support you as you both learn and grow in this new phase.
    Heather B (not that Heather!), from SITS

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  64. What an honest post. Marriage is so tough (but worth it!) and involves so much compromise. Much more than I ever imagined when I got married. My husband and I have only been married 5 years and are constantly working on compromise. Good luck to you and your family, it sounds like good things are coming!

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  65. Well, thanks - now I'm crying. Good thing I'm home by myself. :) Such a deeply moving post, for all of us who have put ourselves first too often and worried more about what our Daddy's think than what is best for our marriage. I'm with you, SITSta.

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  66. I think I could have written some of this about my relationship with my own mother. To some degree, like what you have described, if affects my relationship with my uber-patient hubby.

    This was so wonderfully written from a place that had to be difficult.

    Glad to be getting to know you through SITS! Congrats on your SITS day!

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  67. Wendy, you are awesome. You and dh will work this out. I have complete and total faith in you. (((HUGE HUGS))) Erica

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